When Life Gives You Lemons
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When Life hands you Lemons, slice all of them in half (save one for later) and put them in a plastic ziplock. Then, wait outside in the front bushes of the home of your enemy. When your enemy pulls up in their stupid car, leap out (one lemon half per hand) and shout “Ha-HA!!!” and quickly squeeze lemon juice into both their eyes. Then run away. But! You were wearing a pull-over rubber mask and a concealing smock! And it all happened so fast! No one knows it was you. Remove smock and mask, and go up to your enemy, all concerned. You go, “Oh my God! What happened here? Do you need help?” Your enemy will sort of be able to see you through blinking pain eyes, and will think “Oh my goodness…here is this person, offering help, even though we are enemies. This restores my faith in OWWW!!” 


That “OWWW” was because you just quickly gave them a long paper cut on the arm and squeezed lemon juice into that, plus MORE in each eye. Now you run away for real. Be laughing. IF, your enemy cries out something like “Why? Why?” You can shout back “Because Life that’s why Ha ha ha ha ha!!” If you still have lemons, you can go ahead and throw them back at your enemy, but that’s your call. Save the bag. Don’t be a littering asshole. 


Back home. Cook the fish that One Guy taught you how to catch so you would know how to be fed for a Lifetime, then squeeze your reserved lemon over that. You will also have some lemon juice collected in the ziplock, you can freeze that shit and use it later. 
Now! You wait. You have to wait quite awhile. I’m not going to babystep you through it, but if you must have some notion, I would say, three weeks to a month, MINIMUM. 
I really feel like you’ll be able to feel when the time is right. 


Return to the house of your enemy. (Duct tape over front door peephole, if they have one.) Knock/ring doorbell. Now stand there, hands behind your back, all contrite looking and shit. When your enemy answers, they will PROBABLY be all “OH no oh shit no WAY not again!” and try to close the door quickly. Wedge your foot in the door to stop this. Say: “Wait! No! Please. Please just listen. I just wanted to apologize. Please. The whole thing, with the lemons….I was in a really bad place. I can’t tell you the kind of things I was going through but….I took it out on you and I’m just so sorry. I don’t know if you can forgive me but….I guess I just wanted you to know.” (LOOK REAL SAD.) Your enemy will say nothing for a bit, and then say something like: “Look, it’s cool. I know how things can get. It was pretty weird and crazy, but....no real harm done.” Look them gratefully in the eyes, like “God I can’t believe you’re so understanding” and take a deep breath and say, “I can’t tell you how relieved that makes me feel. I know it’s not much, but I brought you these flowers to help say I’m sorry…” and bring your hands around and HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! THERE ARE NO FLOWERS!!!!!! IT’S TWO FISTFULS OF SNAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


**(note: this same plan works if Life gives you mini bottles of hot sauce.)**

Daria Eliuk